Quotes - Humour

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ####s sake, it's twenty to two in the ####ing morning!"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!!! She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the ####ing wall!""